The Top 5 Worst Video Game Music Tracks

Video game music can be a beautiful thing. Using relatively primitive hardware (by today’s standards) composers in the 80’s helped transport us to far off worlds and created some of the most recognisable tunes in gaming. 

However, in the wrong hands the sound chips of our old consoles can be used to create a cacophony worthy of a demon summoning. The silver lining of this is that most of these crappy games would have faded into obscurity if not for their ridiculous soundtracks and now they can live on forever in infamy.

5. Crazy Bus – Title Theme

Composer: ???

Information is very scarce about this “game”. All the internet seems to know about it is that it’s Venezuelan, was made in 2004 and is horrible in every way. Not only is the audio unlistenable but the visuals are a chore to look at too. The “game” consists of you picking a bus you’d like to drive which you can then move forwards and backwards on the screen while you listen to this rockin’ tune… and that’s about it.  

I don’t even know how to describe this track with words. It’s very possible that the notes have been chosen randomly because if someone actually composed this purposefully then that would actually be impressive. The reason this isn’t higher on my list is because it seems to have been created as a joke. There’s just no way something this repulsive could have been created unknowingly.

4. The Amazing Spider-Man vs. The Kingpin – Swing Time 

Composer: Mr. Big

Yes, the masters of guitar wankery with the lovely hair themselves.

Mr. Big were apparently commissioned to write a song about Spider-Man. Problem is, whoever wrote the lyrics didn’t seem to know a lot about him. Sure they got in plenty of web analogies but I’ve never heard Spider-Man described as “Flying for justice” or that he “Takes no prisoners”. Apparently there’s no mercy from your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man kids!

Overall this is just a bad rock song, unless you love Mr. Big (does such a person exist?) this is just embarrassing to listen to. Once developers got hold of CD technology they probably thought this would sound really cool but all it actually does is make this game sound like a ridiculous 90s relic.

3. American Idol Gameboy Advance – Whole Soundtrack 

Composers: Various 

Now we’re getting into the good stuff. Just let that heavily compressed cover version of Jennifer Lopez’ “Waiting For Tonight” wash over you. Feel the off key auto tune penetrate your soul and gaze into the true face of fear!


I don’t know whose bright idea cramming a musical rhythm game onto a GBA cart was. If the music wasn’t so hilariously bad sounding you could even be a little impressed they managed to fit the whole game on there. Even if you perform the song flawlessly and don’t miss a note your monstrous singer still warbles aimlessly along with the backing track. This game fails in every way possible, unless they were trying to create the stupidest GBA game of all time.

2. The Adventures of Rad Gravity – Title Screen

Composer: David Warhol

I’ll admit I didn’t even know this game existed before I started researching this topic. I was happier in then. The Adventures of Rad Gravity is one of your run of the mill 2D platformers that sprung up after the success of Super Mario. You take control of Bruce Campbell wannabe Rad Gravity as he goes from planet to planet stabbing cyborg zombies and aliens with his off brand lightsaber. The game might be ok but you know what they say “you never get a second chance at a first impression” and Rad Gravity’s title screen music is just about the worst first impression in all of gaming.

The opening few seconds of this track are impressively bad. If anyone was ever curious what a descent into madness actually sounds like then I think this is the closest representation. The problem with this song is that it actually has a catchy rhythm underneath all the high pitched atonal nonsense, this is the part that infects you mind and will never go away. It…Just…Never…Stops….

The Chessmaster – Title Screen

Composer: Peter Stone


The Chessmaster theme is definitely in contention for one of the funniest songs ever created by the human race. It really is the crown jewel of bad video game music. It’s got everything: farting bass guitar, an atonal piano solo and drums that sound out of time which is almost impossible to do when you’re making digital music!

Chessmaster is exactly what it sounds like, a chess game. Can you imagine sitting down to a nice game of chess with a loved one accompanied to this track? Classical music would have been a better fit with the chess theme, not this experimental jazz-funk slop they came up with. Surely this song is some kind of joke by the developers and composer. I don’t believe that anyone could seriously create this and not be constantly laughing throughout the whole process. Even the eponymous Chessmaster himself looks pained by having to listen to this track.

 And I don’t blame him.

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Gone Home Review – PS4

Do a cursory online search about this game and you’ll probably see a lot of forum threads asking if Gone Home can actually be classed as a video game. The gaming community has dismissively dubbed games of this nature “Walking Simulators” basically meaning it’s a game where you walk around an environment to experience a story. This is a unique type of storytelling that you can only be done in a video game, where the story can be uncovered in different ways depending on how you explore.

This review will contain general spoilers but I’ll try and keep it vague

In Gone Home you take control of Kaitlin Greenbriar as she returns home from a midnight flight in 1995. You arrive to find the house deserted and a mysterious note on the front door from your younger sister asking you not to go looking for answers. So of course my first instinct is to ignore this and start rummaging around for stuff! Along your way you’ll find handwritten notes all over the house which slowly drip feed you parts of the overall story. When you find an important piece of info you’re treated to a voice over from your sister Sam as she seems to have left you a trail of diary entries explaining what’s happened to her. 

Only 90s Kids Will Remember…

This game is awash with 90’s nostalgia, pretty much every object in the house can be picked up and examined. You’ll find cassette tapes, answering machines, old TVs, recordable VHS tapes labelled “X-Files – season 1”, Super Nintendo carts and lot’s of other innocuous household items young people won’t recognise. 

At it’s core Gone Home is a story of two young girls (your sister Sam and Lonnie) bonding over Street Fighter 2 and punk music and eventually falling in love. As you move through the house you find evidence of their cute moments together. You’ll hear about them going to a punk show together then shortly after you can find a tape of the band they were talking about which you can play in the many cassette players dotted around the house. One of my favourite parts was finding evidence of them making their own Riot Grrrl punk fanzine even showing how they glued together the front cover. This hit close to home for me because my parents met at a punk show in the 80s and punk cassette tapes, fanzines and Super Nintendo games were all things that could be found in my house growing up.

Parental Guidance 

On your travels you can also find out about their parents through notes and items. You can discover that your father is a struggling writer by finding letters back and forth with his publisher and later on coming across a depressingly large stack of his unsold books. You also find evidence that your mother has received a big promotion at her forestry job but later on Sam’s diary entries reference how distant she’s become as a result of her increasing workload. You’re not required to find out about the parents to progress the game but it really adds to your understanding of the story if you do seek it out.

It’s amazing how every piece of information you can find is connected. You’ll see something that seems unimportant like there’s a Skull ornament you can see in the foyer right at the start but you don’t find out until much later that this was the first gift Lonnie gave Sam after a trip to Mexico. Technically you could miss some of these connections too, I’m sure there’s a lot I missed on my first play through but that just makes it even more satisfying when you do link something together. 

I don’t really want to say anymore about the game because the story is best experienced for yourself. This is a pretty short game too, a normal playthrough seems to last about 2 hours depending on how thoroughly you search the house. I really enjoyed my playthrough and for me it’s been a game that has became more impressive the more I’ve been thinking about it. At the time of writing the PS4 version of Gone Home is free for PlayStation Plus subscribers till July 5th so if anything I’ve said interests you give it a download.

★★★★☆

Overwatch Review -PS4

Overwatch is a brand new game series from Blizzard, the makers of World of Warcraft. It’s an online multiplayer shooter where teams of 6 characters with different abilities fight it out over control of the map. I was completely unaware of what type of game Overwatch was and to be honest I think it was getting it mixed up with a few other similarly titled multiplayer games all announced at the same time (I blame you Battleborn and Paragon). Once it was out though I couldn’t get away from the unanimous praise all over social media so I knew it had to be something special.


The main mode in Overwatch is the online multiplayer, there are a few different objectives you’ll be randomly given during matches but it usually boils down to one team attacking while the other is defending. While defending your job is to either stop the enemy from taking over an area on the map or to stop them from escorting a vehicle through the level. Now this by itself is nothing special, lot’s of games have these mode but it’s Overwatch’s amazing cast of characters that are really impressive. 

You get 21 characters to chose from which is a bit daunting at first but they do try and make this easier for you by separating them into different classes. Offensive heroes will be familiar to most people, they’re your standard guys and gals with guns who’s focus is on taking out the enemy. Defensive heroes are still pretty good at taking people out but also have tools like traps or gun turrets to help the team out. A tank hero’s job is to absorb damage and generally distract the enemy so the rest of your team can move on the objective. The last category are support heroes whose job it is to heal or shield their teammates and are usually invaluable to a team’s success. The game does tell you if your team composition is lacking something before you start so you do get a chance to put it right (although people rarely pay attention). 


Heroes Never Die

Here’s a quick overview of the characters pictured from left to right above:


Genji
Is a robot ninja who excels at running round the map and surprising the enemy from behind. He can throw ninja stars, dash through people with his sword and even deflect most attacks back at his opponent. He can also run up walls and double jump letting him get to anywhere on the map.

Junkrat
Is an explosive specialist who has a grenade launcher to bombard the enemy team and also has bear traps and remote mines he can use to protect objectives when defending. His special move is a giant explosive tire that you drive around which can be devastating if the whole enemy team is close together.

Roadhog
Looks like he just came from the set of Mad Max and uses a hook on a chain you can use to reel in smaller heros an finish them off with his shotgun. He’s great for pulling snipers down off their perch where they can’t do much and he can also heal himself so doesn’t rely on any healers.

Mei
Uses her ice gun to either freeze opponents or snipe them from a distance with icicles. Her signature ability is that she can create a wall of ice which can be used to block the enemy or help protect an area.

Zarya
She can create barriers around herself and others which absorb damage and also increase the power of her own weapon. For her special she can also create a gravity well which can trap enemies in place making them easy picking.

Pharah
Is a pure attack character, she soars through the sky with her jetpack raining rockets down on anyone out in the open. The trade off to this is that she can’t take a lot of hits if you get the drop on her.

Tracer
Is another character like Genji who is meant to ambush unaware opponents. She can run rings around some of the slower characters thanks to her small size and ability to teleport. She also has the ability to rewind time for herself in case you zip off a ledge by mistake or want to further confuse your opponents.

Widowmaker
Is your standard sniper character, she can use a grappling hook to get up to good vantage points other characters can’t reach. She also has a poison mine to surprise people who’re trying to sneak up on you and her special attack reveals the enemies positions to the whole team.

D.Va
Is a really strange and fun character to use, in her default form she pilots a giant robot suit that can deal big damage up close and fly around the map with rocket boosters. Her special move is to self destruct her suit which deals a huge amount of damage over a wide area but leaves you on foot with only a handgun to protect you.

Torbjörn
Does what dwarfs do best, build contraptions. He can build an upgradable turret that will auto target enemies, this can be devastating if set up in the right place. He can also give his team mates extra armor to increase their overall health.

Reaper
With his double shotguns Reaper is an up close and personal character. He can teleport around the map to set up ambushes and if he finishes off an opponent he can collect a small amount of health to keep him going. His special is a barrage of shotgun blasts that is best used up you can warp into the middle of a group.

Mercy
The most straightforward healer in the game she has a beam that locks onto the nearest ally that refills their health. When playing her it’s best to hang back with the group so they can protect you if it gets rough. She can also boost the damage of an ally and her special can resurrect your fallen teammates.

Zenyatta
Another healer who doesn’t heal as much as Mercy but he can also weaken a single enemy at a time making them an easy kill. He also does a surprising amount of damage by himself but he’s not very durable and pretty slow moving.

Hanzo
Is another sniper type character who uses a bow and arrow to pick off his enemies. Like Genji he can also climb walls to find a good vantage point and is overall more stealthy than Widowmaker. The thing that sets Hanzo apart is his special move where he shoots a huge dragon out in front of him which pretty much kills everything in it’s path.

Reinhardt
A huge knight in a robo suit of armour who is an asset to any team. His big thing is he can generate a shield in front of himself which will block a lot of damage plus your teammates can shoot through it from behind. If he has to fight for himself he can rocket towards an enemy and pin them to a wall so they can be finished of with a swing of his giant hammer.

Winston
The super intelligent Gorilla who is one of the best characters for distracting the enemy. He has a jet powered jump which he can use to get in the middle of a group and make a general nuisance of himself. His special move Primal Rage refills your health and gives you new attacks that can knock enemies all over the place for a few seconds.

Symmetra
Is pretty unique as far as the support characters go, instead of healing she can put up shield on her allies. Her main use is to defend areas as she can place laser turrets on the floor or walls which slow enemies down and eventually drain their health is they don’t react in time. Her special is to create a teleporter so your team doesn’t have run as far from the respawn point.

Soldier 76
This guy is probably the easiest character to use. He’s your standard assault guy who has a laser rifle with grenade attachment. He can also heal himself and allies with his bubble shield making him even more beginner friendly.

Bastion
Is probably one of the most satisfying characters to play on defence. He’s basically a transformer who can bunker down and transform into a machine gun emplacement which does a lot of damage but can’t move around to dodge attacks. If you set up in the right spot you can stop an entire enemy team single handedly.

Lúcio
This guy attacks and heals people with the power of sound. This means that just by standing next to Lúcio you will be getting constant healing. He can use his sound gun to blast opponents away (or into pits if you’re lucky) so you can get away and hide behind more capable teammates. He can also switch from healing to a speed boost which is good for getting back into the action after a respawn.

McCree
Is a classic cowboy with a 6-shooter. He’s a good mid-range fighter as long as you’re accurate enough. If anyone gets close he has a flashbang he can use to stun enemies giving him a chance to unload and his special move lets him shoot everyone in his line of sight as long as they stay there long enough for you to lock on.

There’s No ‘I’ in Team

Overwatch is a really fun game, as I mentioned it can seem a bit intimidating at first because you’re going into a team game where other people are relying on you but the game will try and match you up with other beginner players. One of the more charming aspects of the game is the personality the characters have. They all have signature lines they spout whenever you activate you special attack or respawn after a defeat. One awesome thing I noticed is that sometimes at the start of a match while you’re all running to set up your defences the characters will chat to each other as you go. They also have plenty of unlockable outfits and colour swaps for the characters that you can get randomly out of loot boxes. You get a loot box containing 4 random cosmetic items each time you level up (or if you pay real cash) but the good stuff like costumes seem to appear very rarely.

The menus are really easy to navigate, you can be searching for a match with about 3 presses of the ‘X’ button but it also has plenty of in depth options if that’s something you want. I was particularly impressed by the amount of options it has for colorblind players like me. Since enemies and objectives are indicated by colour I was able to adjust the hue of these so I could tell the difference between the red and orange. There were many more colour options to chose from, if you want to change these colours completely depending on your needs. It’s nice to see a game be this colourblind friendly.

With the game’s main mode being online only this isn’t a game I could recommend to anyone who doesn’t have their PS4 connected online with PS+ because you’ll just be able to play matches against computer opponents. I don’t think that’s something you could play for a long time before getting bored.

This is the first online shooter I’ve gotten into since like 2010 for COD: Black Ops, I just felt like I couldn’t keep up with the kids who did nothing but play all day and I’d usually just die over and over. The great thing about Overwatch is that if you’re not very good at shooting dudes you can play a support or tank class instead. Having a Mercy keeping the team healthy or a Reinhardt shielding everyone can really change the tide of battle. I found myself gravitating towards Mercy if no one else is playing her, I’ve never played a healer in games before but I’ve been loving it. There’s no pressure to be killing other players but it’s still exciting trying to keep everyone alive. Plus watching your team’s health bars fill up is oddly satisfying. There is also no penalty for losing so if your team is defeated there’s no need to dwell, just try harder next time.

I genuinely think that as long as you are at least competent with first person games you could have some fun with Overwatch. Blizzard have made this game user friendly and as simple possible to play but there is still plenty of depth and advanced strategies for those who want to seek it out. I’ve loved every minute of this game so far (even being on the losing team) and honestly I can’t wait to go play some more.

★★★★★

The Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone PS4 Review

The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt is an incredible game by itself. It’s also a very big game, you could easily spend 100 hours playing and still have more to do. I think this is the reason it took me so long to get round to playing the Hearts of Stone expansion, I was all Witchered out. But I’m glad I finally did because itwasn’t long before I was reminded why I love this series so much.

It’s worth noting up front that to even play this downloadable expansion they recommend that you’re level 32 which is pretty close to end game. There will also be general spoilers for the Hearts of Stone quests in this review.

Once again we take control of Geralt of Rivia, resident monster hunter and all around problem solver of this world. He takes on a seemingly innocuous contract to slay a monster in the sewers. This ends up being a pretty annoying boss fight that turns south and ends up with Geralt imprisoned on ship destined for a far away land to be executed. This is where the real story begins, a mysterious man appears and offers Geralt a way off the ship if he in turn helps this disturbingly sinister man out with his problems. 

A Witcher Always Repays His Debt

You’re tasked with fulfilling 3 requests to repay your debt that take you all over the surrounding countryside of Novigrad. They haven’t added any new landmass for you to explore in this update, instead they made good use of some areas that you wouldn’t visit during a normal play through of the main game. This meant a lot of the areas felt new even though they technically weren’t.

The first quest I embarked on was to show Vlodimir Von Everec one last night on the town, sounds simple enough right? Well it turns out that he’s been dead for quite a while. You end up having to go and resurrect him from their family crypt and let him possess your body so he can go and attend a wedding party. This leads to some great comedic moments where Vlodimir is being his outgoing, womanising self in Geralt’s body which is a complete contrast to his regular stoic personality. This is a great example of how the Witcher subverts your expectation that it’s just another stuffy, self serious high fantasy game and shows that it’s not afraid to get completely ridiculous and light hearted from time to time. 


The next task I embarked on was to retrieve some important documents from an auction house. The owner was less than cooperative so you end up planning a heist mission to get into the auction house’s vault. You even get a choice of which specialists you recruit to breach the vault door and scale the building. I love situations like this where they insert modern story concepts into the fantasy world of the Witcher.

Geralt’s Choice

The final task culminates in a sort of twisted retelling of the Beauty and the Beast story, giving you a glimpse of everyone’s dark past. There are some tough choices for you to make along the way influencing whether certain characters live or die. The most important of these giving you a time limit when deciding your answer just to ratchet up the intensity one more notch. 


Other than these story missions (which can take around 10 hours to complete) they do add in a few extra bits and pieces. There’s a new weapon and armour enchanter who can add unique upgrades to your equipment. A snazzy new all black suit of Witcher armor to collect throughout the quests. They do add a new Witcher contract too where you have to try and find someone’s lost friend but it seemed very uneventful, unless I messed it up in some way and missed something (which I have done before).

Overall I really enjoyed this expansion, it doesn’t really fix any of the problems people had with the base game. The item system is still a bit clunky to navigate and the game can still slow down and stutter if there are lots of enemies on screen. They’ve said they would try and make some more improvements to the performance of the game this month when they release the next expansion though. If you were like me and not sure if you were ready to come back to the game I would definitely recommend it just for the new quests alone.

★★★★☆

Diablo III: Reaper of Souls – Ultimate Evil Edition Review – Ps4

I am very late to the Diablo party. It’s a video game series I’ve always heard talked about in high regard but I didn’t have a PC good enough to play the older titles. Thanks to it making it’s way to consoles I was finally able to see what I’d been missing out on.

Traditionally Diablo games are played with a mouse and keyboard like most MMO’s, you click on enemies to attack them and it helps you navigate the complicated menus. So for the PS4 version that had to adjust the menus and the combat to better fit a controller. The combat side of the game translates perfectly but the menus were quite fiddly. Even after multiple hours with the game I would still mess up and end up on the wrong screen or accidently sell something. Luckily Diablo III is a very forgiving game, if you do sell something by accident every merchant has a record of everything you’ve sold and you can buy it back for only a little more than what you sold it for. 

This was one of the main things that impressed me about the game. They’ve done away with many annoying things you usually have to do in RPGs. Every character can generate a magic portal to take you back to town if you need to sell items and when you’re done you go back through it and continue exactly where you left off . You can sell any type of item to any vendor, no running round to find the armor guy just to offload that crappy shield you picked up. Almost every new area has a waypoint that you can teleport to easily from town. Little things you probably just accept in other games but it’s refreshing to see a developer make these quality of life improvements.

A Family That Slays Together…

One of the big things that attracted me to this game was that you can play the full story co-op, with up to 4 players either locally or online. I wanted a game my fiancée Danielle and I could play together that wasn’t too demanding gameplay wise and this was perfect. The game is played at a top down view so both of your characters can run around independently but you can’t go too far away from each other so no one gets left behind. Each player gets to make their own character, with their own items, gold and experience. Gone are the days of player 2 getting the short end of the stick and having to be Luigi or something.

I chose to make a Crusader who’s a slightly more defensive warrior type with a sword and huge shield. While Danielle went with the Demon Hunter who’s an archer that gets access to a host of animal companions like a bat, wolf or even a hog (much to her delight). We didn’t really plan it but these characters went really well together, I would wade into the hordes of enemies and pull their focus while Danielle rained down pointy death from afar. 

Here’s a picture of our heros after finishing the game:

A Lust for Loot

This game is all about loot. You’re constantly picking up better armor and weapons throughout the levels and it’s never not exiting. Regular enemies and chests will drop a few items but when you beat a boss or uncover a secret chest they explode in a fountain of coloured items. It’s a great complement to your victory over a boss as everyone dances round their corpse collecting goodies, it just feels good inside.

There are a lot of different armor sets to collect so the look of your character is always changing. You can dye each individual piece to your liking and even make it invisible in case you don’t like the way a helmet covers your characters face but still want the bonuses from wearing it. You can even change the way weapons look so if you have a strong bow that looks boring you can give it the design of a legendary one but keep all the stats of the original. They really went above and beyond on these features, Blizzard is the same company that makes World of Warcraft so they probably have a lot of experience with what gamers want for outfitting their characters.

Any Way You Like It

Diablo III really does encourage you to play the way you want to play. Once you get far enough in the game there are 11 difficulty levels to choose from. We played the first 4 acts on Normal but by that point we were steamrolling everything so we upped it to Expert. This made the final battle an actual challenge, we had to come up with strategies and actually dodge the boss’s attacks which we hadn’t had to worry about before.

You can change the difficulty at any time from the pause menu so if you get in over your head you can always fall back to Normal. I love this part about the game because it means even if this is your first ever video game you could still beat it and be finding cool items but if you’re an RPG veteran you’ll be rewarded for playing on harder difficulties with more gold and XP.

Story Bored

The main story mode is made up of 5 acts in this version of the game, each one sees you explore themed areas and ultimately fight a big demon boss at the end. Unfortunately the story was the weakest part of the game for me. There’s just nothing special about it, it’s your standard video game fantasy story you’ve probably heard 100 times before. Your hero sets off on a globe trotting quest to save the world by defeating Diablo’s demon generals before confronting him yourself and your character is the only one in the world who has the power to do this. Granted, they don’t really take the story that seriously themselves because most of the characters are usually cracking wise as long as the world isn’t in imminent danger. 

There were charming characters along the way though. My favourite was Zoltun Kulle who is an evil ethereal wizard you’re forced to bring back from the dead because you need his help. He follows you round on one quest constantly saying evil things and trying to recruit you to help him take over the world while your character politely declines. I really wish we could have taken him through the whole game.

Overall we really enjoyed our time with Diablo III, we played the whole game co-op locally and it worked perfectly. If you’ve been curious about the series this is a great jumping on point and it can be enjoyed by players of any skill level.

★★★★☆

Jake’s Top 5 Worst Cartoons Based on Video Games

Cartoons and video games are are like the only two things I cared about as a kid. I’ve always loved animation, when it’s great it can take you to fantastical worlds that you can’t experience with live action shows. That’s one of the same reasons I love video games too. So surely if you combine the two things it can only get exponentially better right?… right?!

Well no, not always. So let me take you on a journey through my wasted youth in this top 5 worst cartoon shows based on beloved video game franchises.

5. Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the realm 


Now this isn’t an automatically bad idea. Mortal Kombat is a game series so violent that they had to create an entire rating system for video games just for them. The problem was kids loved it, so they created this show to be a Mortal Kombat product that parents could let their kids experience guilt free. 

Unfortunately they forgot the part about actually making a quality cartoon. The character designs are pretty good even though they’re from the less successful Mortal Kombat 3 but the animation is just cheap. Characters routinely stand around with weird expressions on their faces and appear in front of objects they should be standing behind because the animators messed up with the layers. 

The fights end in some extremely unsatisfying ways usually with one punch or kick sending a person flying back 50 feet or someone just dodges and lets the bad guy fall off a cliff. My favourite part is where Reptile and Sonya square off and he just runs up and kicks her in the butt, then does it again 4 more times while she tries to get up… MORTAL KOMBAT!
All the characters act really immature. Sonya is the whiny teen of the group and takes every opportunity to shout her catchphrase “Kombat Time!”. Raiden at one point calls the group “Mortal Butts” as an insult that only a 5 yr old would find funny. And we find out that Jax was a fat kid in school and teasing still hurts his feelings awwwwwww. 

It was an awful show but when you’re a kid that just wanted more MK it was all we had, sadly. Here’s a montage of some bad moments if you want to check it out yourself.

4. Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Yay! Mario, the most famous video game character in the world! There’s no way they could mess this up.
Now I know what you’re all asking, “who’re those old creepy dudes?” why it’s mildly successful pro-wrestler Capt. Lou Albano and Canadian television actor Danny Wells playing Mario and Luigi of course! 

The creators decided to bookend the episodes of this cartoon with boring improvised live action segments that usually involve trotting out some “celebrity guest” from the network’s other TV shows. I don’t know about you but I always wanted to know what the Mario Bros got up to in their plumbers workshop in front of a fake studio audience.

That’s not to say the cartoon was any better though, instead of exploring the world of the Mario video games or referencing any of his in game adventures they went with scintillating storylines such as: While trying to catch Koopa in Jungleland Mario suffers from amnesia and is convinced by an ape couple that he is their child, Posing as Judge Koopa he sentences Mario and Co to the prison of Koopatraz where he is also the warden, Mario and Luigi take to the skies to stop Koopa and Lakitu from taking over Pastaland with the help of a used magic carpet salesman, Koopa kidnaps Santa Claus in order to ruin Christmas, Koopa’s road gang has stolen all the spaghetti sauce in Car Land so Mario’s group must work to get it back and many more horrible ideas!

Almost every episode was a bad movie or tv show parody and the ones that weren’t had a bad cover song in the episode. Probably so they didn’t have to write any dialogue for a few minutes. The only good part of any episode was the end credits because you knew you were free of this abysmal show but also because you get the live action Mario Bros awkwardly dancing in front of a green screen. Come on everybody! Do the Mario!

3. Street Fighter (The Animated Series)


This show is hilarious for all the wrong reasons. It’s horrible looking animation and stupid dialogue all combine into a deliciously bad mixture and I kinda love it. 

Looking back at footage of this show I just have no idea what’s going on. They were so cheap with the cartoon you can see the individual frames of animation a lot of the time, which should never happen. It suffers from similar problems as the MK cartoon except it takes them to a ridiculous level. Characters will show ridiculous feats of strength and agility only to be swatted aside by whoever they’re fighting and there are multiple times characters just fall over for no reason. 

This show also has the most animation mistakes I’ve ever seen in a cartoon. The characters randomly grow and shrink in size to such a noticeable degree that you’re left unsure if it was intentional. It constantly breaks the laws of physics in it’s own world. 
I feel like if you watch too much of this show you might go literally insane. Just see for yourself:

The only thing it gets right is that characters all have the right costumes and special moves so I guess one person working on the show knew their stuff.

2. Captain N: The Game Master


A 90s kid and his dog get sucked through the TV into Video Land which is apparently where all our favourite obscure Nintendo characters live:

This show’s worst offence is that it’s boring. It shouldn’t be hard to make a story about a kid getting sucked into a video game considering that’s probably the dream of their target audience. I think one of the reasons it failed was they clearly couldn’t get any of the famous characters to accompany our hero. He gets lumped with Kid Icarus, Simon Belmont and Mega Man (who inexplicably sounds like he smokes 100 packs a day). Three characters that I never heard anyone my age mention until I started reading about games on the internet. 

The villains are even more perplexing and obscure. For henchmen we’ve got Eggplant Wizard who is an enemy from the game Kid Icarus that turns you into an eggplant (or aubergine to the UK crowd) and King Hippo who is one of the boxers from the Punch-Out!! Games. But our main attraction here is their leader Mother Brain from the Metroid series. In the game Mother Brain is an evil sentient bio organic computer that shoots lasers at you. It doesn’t really have any characteristics or personality till later games. So for the show they decided to give it a face and have it sound like Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. It even has heavy lipstick and eye makeup which just makes me think of Frank N. Furter too!

But despite these wacky characters to work with they still managed to make something boring. Looking back I think they ignored the source material a little too much and their own interpretations were just plain weird.

1. The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog 


This was one of those cartoons that I genuinely thought would hold up until I revisited it and learned how wrong I was. This show is one of the messiest and obnoxious things I’ve ever seen. I can deal with intentional chaos in comedy, I’m a big Tim and Eric fan but this Sonic cartoon is just disgusting. It’s a complete assault on all 5 senses and a few more that I didn’t even know I had.

The characters are repulsive in every way, just look at this vomit:

I think they were going for a Ren and Stimpy sort of vibe with the art style but they didn’t have the talent to pull it off so it came out more like Worker and Parasite.

Every character’s voice is shrill and annoying, especially Scratch the chicken robot henchmen who punctuates every sentence with an ear piercing high pitched “AHA HAHAAAAAAAA”. Most episodes involve Scratch and Grounder (out resident Bozos) setting traps for Sonic to run into that even Wile E. Coyote would be embarrassed by. They don’t even have any real motivation, Dr. Robotnik just stamps around saying “I hate that hedgehog!” whenever Sonic escapes one of his traps.

I’m surprised I came out of my childhood with any brain cells left after watching this abomination. Luckily for us the show had to succumb to the Children’s Television Act which meant the episodes had to contain a portion of educational content which is where we get this gem from:

Yep! That was Sonic telling kids what to do if someone touches them inappropriately. Unquestionably good advice but such a hard pivot considering the pointless cartoon trainwreck that came before it.

So that’s it for this dark window into how I spent my time as a child in the 90s. If you want to watch any of this junk they’re pretty much all on YouTube in their entirety because not even the creators care about these shows anymore.

Street Fighter V Review – PS4

  
  
In February I wrote about how I thought Street Fighter V was not worth buying at it’s time of release. Since then they have made some of the promised upgrades so when I saw the game had been discounted to just under £30 I decided it was time to check it out. 

SFV is the newest numbered entry in one of the longest running fighting game franchises ever. The first entry in the series was originally exclusive to arcades in 1987, there may only be 5 numbered entries but Street Fighter is famous for re-releasing games with new additions to prolong their lifespan. The first ever Street Fighter game I played was Super Street Fighter II Turbo which is actually the 3rd revision of that specific game, Phew! So this actually makes SFV round about the 19th unique release! Everyone still following along at home? 

It’s totally understandable that fans were disappointed that SFV launched with such a barebones list of features considering this isn’t Capcom’s first rodeo.

Missing Pieces

  

  

Street Fighter V shares a lot of similarities with many other fighting games on the market today. A regular match is best to 3 rounds with the first player to reduce the other’s health bar to zero winning. Each character has their own set of unique normal and special fighting moves they can use to do damage and trick your opponent into letting down their guard. Street Fighter is often likend to the video game equivalent of chess because it pits two people against each other in a pure test of skill. 

Unfortunately this isn’t very good for new players who can be completely outclassed if you venture online without training enough. This was the first thing that disappointed me about SFV, they still haven’t figured out a good way to teach new players how the game is played. You’re thrown into a pretty basic tutorial up front that shows you what buttons to press to do some moves but it doesn’t tell you why you should use certain moves in certain situations. Sure you could go online a find some of this out yourself but you shouldn’t have to do that. 

If you dig a little deeper into the options they have added character specific tutorials that go into more detail about the tools each character has but this is simply a video clip and a text box overlay. It doesn’t show you and then let you try it out for yourself. You’re just supposed to watch it then commit it to memory. Some of this was fine for my needs because I’ve played most of the games in the series but I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of a novice player. If you’re approaching this game with no prior knowledge I really think you’d have a pretty frustrating time at first, until you read some online guides or watched some YouTube videos. I just can’t help but think there’s a step they’re missing in there. Capcom should find a way to help new players make that transition from noob to pro without having to seek help outside of the game.

As I mentioned previously, Capcom did make good on their promise to update the game in March to add some new features and a new character. Frustratingly Capcom was keeping quiet and the update didn’t show up until March 30th which sent forums and subreddits into a rage but they’ll always be able to say that they technically hit their March deadline I guess. 

These features were the aforementioned character specific tutorial videos, up to 8 player online lobbies, the online shop (where you can purchase additional content) and 10 challenges to complete for each character which sees you performing progressively harder move combos. These are all things that definitely should have been in the game from the beginning but at least we didn’t have to purchase them separately so that’s something.
  

My Fight Money!

  

 

The online store at the time of writing is a complete mess. It seems as though they made it as convoluted as they possible. First of all there are 2 types of currency, Fight Money is what you earn from in-game actions such as winning matches and generally just playing the game. Then they have Zenny which is a premium currency you can buy with real money but as of right now this hasn’t even been added into the game yet! I’m just not a fan of this dual currency system, it comes from free to play mobile games and I don’t think it has a place in a full priced retail game. 

There are items in the store that probably should just be included as unlockables in the main game. Each character has the default costume and classically in Street Fighter you can select color variation on this outfit so for example Ryu can have his classic white outfit and red bandana or you could change it up with a blue outfit and yellow bandana. In SFV you only start out with 2 colours for each character and 8 more can be unlocked by beating the game’s survival mode on various difficulties. The remaining colours 11-15 have to purchased from the store on a per character basis. I don’t think you should have to spend your currency just to unlock what is essentially a colour swap of content that is already on the disc and when they add the option to be spending real money on this it’s just going to get messier.
  

Choose Your Character

  

One thing that’s always a constant in the Street Fighter series is a cast of interesting characters to choose from, let’s do a character rundown:

Ryu: Our wandering hero who is looking for the answers that lie in the heart of battle. Ryu is the classic beginner’s character that has been in every main SF game. He still does all the things you know and love. He throws fireballs, has his Shoryken flying uppercut and the spinning hurricane kick.

Ken: Ryu’s old sparring partner Ken also makes an appearance. He’s a lot like Ryu having the same basic special moves but he’s a bit quicker and has some more complicated combos to learn. He also has a better Shoryken than Ryu which travels further and sets the opponent on fire!

Chun Li: Another returning veteran. Chun Li is probably the fastest character in the game. Be ready to defend against a relentless barrage of kicks from all angles if your opponent picks her. 

Nash: As of right now considered to be the best character in the game we have Nash. Killed by the big bad M.Bison earlier in the timeline he’s now back as a reanimated corpse out for revenge! Nash has his own fireball variant the sonic boom and he can also teleport behind your opponent making it harder for them to defend.

Dhalsim: The stretchy, fire breathing yoga master is back. In past games Dhalsim has been a bit of a slower character but in SFV thanks to his teleport and air attacks it’s surprising how quick and aggressive he can be played in the right hands.

Cammy: The deadly british secret agent who’s bent on taking down Bison and his crew. Cammy is another speedy character who can rocket across the stage with her spiral arrow corkscrew kick which if timed right can also slip under your opponent’s projectiles.

Alex: Is the first of 3 wrestlers we have in SFV and he’s also the first downloadable character added post launch. Alex is a powerhouse, he hits really hard but is a little slow. If you get close to him you’re probably going to get powerbombed but he can also leap across the stage to grab you if you try to back off.

Laura: A Brazilian jiu jitsu fighter who somehow can electrify her opponents with judo hip throws. Laura’s a character who can have trouble if you keep her away with projectiles but once she gets in she’s in her element.

Necalli: Some kind of ancient soul devouring demon man with sick dread locks. Necalli is one of the new characters and he’s pretty fun to use. He charges around the stage clawing at his opponents and he can also stomp and pound on the ground to create blasts under his opponents.

Vega: The prettiest matador/cage fighter in the land is back. Vega is as imposing and tricky as ever in this game. He still has his trademark claw weapon which gives him good attack range and he still jumps off the walls to surprise people with german suplexes and strikes from above.

F.A.N.G: One of the new bad guys under Bison. This guy is pretty interesting, most of his special moves have a poison effect that will slowly drain the opponent’s health until they can land a hit on you. He’s also pretty goofy looking so it can be hard to tell where his attacks are coming from.

Zangief: Another veteran of the series the Russian wrestling champion of muscle power is back! He plays pretty much the same as he always did, your strategy should be to get close enough to put your opponent in his patented spinning piledriver. It can be risky against more projectile heavy characters but the reward is great.

Rashid: This guy is a new character who has the ability to shoot mini hurricanes across the stage with his super fast kicks. They can be hard to avoid as they go diagonally from the bottom to the top of the screen and while dodging this Rashid can still be attacking you.

R. Mika: A female wrestler from Japan who can rush at you with all manner of strikes to put you off guard. Unique to her is that she can call in her tag team partner to hit you from any side so you’ve got to keep an eye out for that during the fight too.

Karen: Is a highly skilled aristocrat with a disdain for those she deems lower class. Not the most exciting character to watch as most of her special moves are variations on kicks and punches but in the right hands she can be totally overwhelming.

Birdie: A huge chubby punk guy from London who uses his mohawk like a rhino horn to charge his opponents. He’s one of the slower guys but he can use bike chains to grab you from across the stage so he doesn’t always need to get close to hurt you. 

M. Bison: The evil dictator himself is also back to terrorise the world. Bison hasn’t changed much from the previous games. He still has his head stomp and his flipping knee attack but now he can also grab your projectiles out of the air and fire them back!

6 Buttons and a Joystick 

One thing I can’t fault in this game is the fighting. Actually playing the game feels great which is technically the most important thing in a fighting game but it’s a shame the whole package couldn’t have been held up to this standard.

You can really feel the impact of some of the hits, the fighters also do quite a lot of damage compared to Street Fighter IV so the matches have a quicker pace and are more tense when you get down to that last bit of health. They’ve also changed the way defending works in this game. In past Street Fighter games any special move that hit you when blocking would slowly chip away at your health. So if you had a pixel of health left your opponent could just mash out specials until one hit you but in SFV a move will only K.O. you if don’t block it. I think this makes it more exciting as you have to outsmart your opponent if they’re hanging on with the tiniest amount of health and blocking all of your fireballs.

Also new to this game is the V-system. Each character has a unique V-Skill activated by hitting the medium punch and kick buttons together. For example Ryu’s is a parry that can negate an attack giving you a chance for a quicker follow up or Dhalsim’s is to float in the air when you jump to avoid projectiles or mess up your opponent’s timing. They also have a unique V-Trigger activated by pressing the hard punch and kick buttons which is more of a long lasting effect but can only be used once a round typically. For V-Trigger Ryu gets increased special move damage and Dhalsim creates a carpet of flame that drains your opponent’s health if they stand on it.

In addition to this each character has a special meter which when full lets you unleash a Critical Art. Which is basically a big special attack that does a big chunk of damage if you hit but will probably leave you vulnerable if they block it. These character specific super moves are really visually impressive and are always crowd pleasers for anyone watching.

  

  

There are a lot of options during a match which is good but I often found myself forgetting to use a lot of this stuff in the heat of battle.

Another problem I found with the controls is they don’t map to a PS4 controller very naturally. You have to use the shoulder buttons for some of the attack buttons as you ideally want to use all 6 of them. Luckily I have an arcade stick controller so this wasn’t a problem for me but it’s something to consider if you only have the Dual Shock 4. 

I can’t really recommend SFV to a beginner who hasn’t really played a fighter before. I don’t think they would have a good time with it. I’m not sure if the problem of introducing new people to the genre has been solved yet but SFV didn’t do anything to help that cause. Capcom very clearly catered to the hardcore fighting game community which will probably hurt the overall sales but the diehard fans will be too busy playing it to care.

★★★☆☆